When I came to Pure Life Ministries in June of 1997, I was running away: running from problems, from people, from my sins, even from God. Most of all I was trying to run from my own destructive nature. Little did I know that I was running straight into the presence of God.

I did not grow up in a Christian home and throughout my childhood and teen years I grew increasingly cynical, hardened, and unloving inside. As far as those around me could tell, I was a good kid; a little shy maybe, but I never got into trouble, never smoked, never did drugs, and was never arrested. Nevertheless, on the inside I was continually wallowing in bitterness, hatred, and selfishness. I would never have admitted it but I was living a completely self-centered life. I based every decision on, “What´s in it for me?’

With this inner attitude I pursued my own completion and satisfaction, never giving God or eternity a second thought. I began to indulge in masturbation at an early age (11 or 12) and soon discovered Playboy magazines in my parents´ closet. I became obsessed with seeking pleasure in fantasy, pornography (any I could get my hands on.) and masturbation. Sexual fantasies and pornographic images completely saturated my mind whenever it was undirected, and I became so hardened and jaded that I could think the most evil and perverted thoughts without an ounce of guilt. After several years of viewing pornography I began to see a pattern emerging in my life. I could see that I continually wanted to look at increasingly perverted forms of pornography, and found myself always wanting more, never able to completely satisfy my desire for sex.

Even though I wasn´t a Christian at this point in my life, sin was reaping an effect in me. I couldn´t feel good about myself because deep down I knew what I was doing was not right, and instead of reaching out for help, I turned all of it inward, insolating myself more and more from other people. I was too prideful to admit, even to myself that I was not the “good person’ that I portrayed myself to be. I ran to sexual fantasy and masturbation believing that was my only escape from whom I had become, only to find no relief.

All of this sinful bitterness and hatred ate away at me inside like acid, until finally, at age 21, I tried to commit suicide. I shot myself in the chest with a .38 caliber revolver!

The bullet miraculously missed my heart by a quarter of an inch. Somehow the scar from the bullet wound was a full inch lower than where I had placed the gun.

This was an obvious wake-up call from the Lord, and over the next six years God relentlessly pursued me while I continually ran from Him. Time and time again someone would cross my path and try to witness to me but I was never willing to face my need as a sinner. Mostly I was ashamed to admit the dark, lustful habits that had become the center of my being. My heart continued to harden and I became as bitter and hopeless as I had been at the time of my suicide attempt.  I knew I needed something to change or I would lose my mind or my life. I could never quite forget, no matter how hard I tried, the miracle that had saved me and that maybe there really was a God. Finally I became desperate enough to cry out to Him.

The very same day I asked for help I received a brochure on my door from a new local church. I started going, joined and became a Christian, but I still had the same hard, cold selfish nature on the inside. I was still afraid to make myself completely vulnerable, even to God. Outwardly I managed to put on a good act, as I always had. But inwardly I would not allow God to penetrate my hard heart. And even during this period in my life, as I was calling myself "Christian" on the outside, I continued to indulge in sexual fantasy and masturbation in ever-increasing intensity. In reality I was still in the same downward spiral that had once led me to suicide. I was still in pride and delusion and unwilling to admit my sin and need, but this time God, in His mercy, allowed my sins to be exposed so that I would be forced to get help. Of course, I still made an attempt to run from Him, but this would be the last time I would try to escape.

I came to Pure Life Ministries expecting a vacation of sorts: just hang out for six months, study the Bible some, talk about my problems, and so on. I certainly did not expect, nor did I desire, to be in a place where real repentance, true holiness and the genuine, longsuffering love of God were so strongly presented. Needless to say, a part of me wanted desperately to run away again, but I saw a genuine, pure, and wonderful reality of God´s love in the staff and graduates of the program. I could tell that they had not just changed on the outside like I had so many times, but that they had truly allowed God into their inside world and were living out the words of Jesus. This gave me tremendous hope that I too could live the victorious life in Christ that I had never thought was possible!

I'd like to say that I jumped right in and let God do that work in me, but I learned that overcoming years of sinful behavior required a long and difficult process. My inner nature, that was completely self-centered, now had to become Christ-centered. The first big hurdle for me came when I realized that, to be free from sexual sin, I would need to go deeper into Jesus than I had ever gone into my sin. Beyond that, the most difficult battle turned out to be the surrendering of my will; and more specifically, my willingness to surrender my life fully to God. 

The staff at Pure Life teach men to live out the love of God through praying for others and doing acts of mercy, always pointing the students in the direction of living a giving, selfless life.

This directly attacked the utter selfishness with which I approached life - my lifestyle of always coveting, lusting and taking. Although this process of changing my inward nature was a relatively simple one, I made it much more difficult than it needed to be by inwardly resisting what I was being told to do. I was still very resistant to letting go of my pride and admit my sinful condition. I was stuck on the very essence of Christianity: Our need as sinners for the atoning blood of Jesus! I held on to my pride and self will for dear life, not realizing that it was the very thing destroying me. Thank God that His longsuffering is greater than my stubbornness. The constant message of repentance and mercy given at Pure Life eventually brought me out of my delusion.

As God began to open my eyes and sober me in spirit, I began to realize the actual reality of my sinful nature. For the first time in my life I was able to see my sin the way God saw it, and as this sobering increased I entered into the reality of how much I really needed God in my life. I got a real sight of how utterly lost; helpless and unworthy I was apart from Him. But, in light of that realization, I learned true repentance; a complete turning away from self and all its evil desires and a turning to God to embrace His love and grace. For the first time I was exposed to what true Biblical Christianity was supposed to be, and I purposed myself to go after God at all costs.

Even though it was a very difficult six months in my life, what kept me going was the increasing sight of God and His character that was being revealed to me as I pressed on and into developing a relationship with Jesus.

I had never before experienced the hope that comes into a person´s life when they are willing to embrace God´s way of doing things.

I realized that with His help I really could live a life of holiness and walk in a close relationship with the Lord. This was what gave me the hope to turn my life completely over to the Lord and develop a real closeness and dependence on God. In a way, I'm glad for the long, hard road that my life has been because through it all I was brought to a place of desperation in which God could really reveal Himself to me. I´m very thankful that, here at PLM., God was able to rescue me from the blinding darkness of pride, lust and self-will that was destroying my soul.

I have been here now since 1997, having graduated the live-in program completed an intern-training program and am now working for the ministry. I would not trade these years of my life for anything; not because this is some great ministry, but because this is a place where God is present in a truly special way and is able to work deeply in men's lives. It happened for me, and now it is my joy to see men come through this place and be transformed into the image of Jesus Christ.