Jonathan sat staring out the window wearing a frown on his face. Summer used to be the Highlight of his year, but not now, never again.  He was glad that autumn was just around the corner, now he could shut out all of the dark thoughts that summer had elicited.

In another nine months, Jonathan would celebrate his twenty-first birthday, but in his mind he felt as though he was a middle age man.

The doorbell rang and startled Jonathan out of his reverie. “Who is it?’ he called out never bothering to get up and go to the door.  No one answered, but a few seconds later, soft laughter and a familiar giggle passed through the door to assault his senses. He ran to the door and opened it wide. No one was there.  He slammed the door, and then he repeatedly banged his head on the door, as he screamed, “NO!’

After a few minutes, Jonathan closed the curtains in an effort to close out any thoughts of what lay beyond the window?  His life had increasing become morbid and the dreams and bad memories bordered on obsession. He had lost most of his friends long ago, and he made no effort to find new ones.

Jonathan lived in another dimension when he was alone, which was most of the time.  His mother worked 12 hours a day to support them, and on an average day he saw her about 4 hours. She always looked so tired and he worried about her.  Thankfully, his mother was in the dark about Jonathan´s behavior patterns.  He had been to counseling several years prior and he had been able to fool both the Psychiatrist and his mother.  When he was in her presence, he was a loving and gentle son.  So no one knew the chaos and fear that Jonathan lived each day of his life.

The first trauma in his life happened at age ten, and that had been enough for a lifetime. He was haunted every day by flashbacks and voices from the past.  Then at age fifteen, his world came tumbling down about him. It was a cold rainy night, and Jonathan kept looking at the clock and wondering why his Dad was so late getting home from work. It was his Dad´s habit to walk the eight blocks home from work. He insisted he needed the exercise after sitting at a desk all day.

A few minutes later, the phone rang and his mother went to answer the call. She had  gone to the phone in the living room, and Jonathan could not hear what she was talking about, but suddenly he could hear the fear in her voice and then she screamed.  Jonathan ran into the living room. The phone dangled in her right hand and she stood perfectly still as though she was a zombie.  She looked straight ahead, and her eyes stared at nothingness.

Jonathan called her name, but she appeared not to even hear him. He walked to where she was standing and took the phone out of her hand. He could hear a man´s voice coming from the phone and he put it to his ear.  “Hello, who is this?’ he asked.

In the chilling stillness of the room, his mother turned to face him. She grabbed the phone from Jonathan, and put the phone back on the hook.  Then she looked at her son and told him that his father had been run over by a drunk driver and that he had died from his injuries.

After the funeral, Jonathan became more withdrawn.  His mother tried to be there for him, but her own grief was so overwhelming that she no longer knew how to cope with her grieving son.  Months past, then finally his mother was able to find a job.  

Jonathan had always been a good student and made excellent grades, but after his dad´s death, he no longer cared about school or anything else. When he was seventeen and without his mother´s knowledge, he quit school. He didn´t try to find employment to help his mother out with expenses; instead he spent most days at the local pool hall.

Six years later

After six years, Jonathan still had not applied for any jobs, but at that point he had no reason to look for employment.  His grandmother died on Jonathan´s 20th  birthday, and when the will was read, the whole estate of two million dollars had gone to her beloved grandson Jonathan. He offered half of the money to his mother, but she declined his offer.

A few months later, his mother started dating a man that she worked with, which made Jonathan very angry. When all was said and done, she decided that she would marry her boyfriend Jim.  

It was now only three weeks until his twenty-first birthday.  His mother was to be married in six weeks.  She suggested to Jonathan that he should buy himself a nice house and move.  A month later, Jonathan purchased a very nice house just three miles away from his mother.

Jonathan´s mother came home early from work, so she could help with the moving.  When she came into the living room she noticed that he was sitting in the chair with the Curtains drawn.  “Jon, it´s a beautiful day, why are you sitting here in the dark? She asked him. “Are you ill?’

“No, I am fine’, he said in a matter of fact way.

“You don´t look like you are okay. What in the world did you do to your head? You have three large bumps on your forehead!’

For a fraction of a moment, he was quiet, and then he answered her. “Oh, that. Well I got my foot caught on the carpet and I hit my head on the door; he knew it was a lie, but he had to conceal the Truth.  It´s nothing really, Mom,’ he said.

“The moving van should be here within the half-hour, so I will go upstairs and make sure I haven´t forgotten something,’ he said, as he turned and started up the stairs.   

“While you are up there, perhaps you should put the ice pack on those bumps,’ she called up the stairs.

Jonathan turned twenty-one today, and for once, he was glad that he had bought the house. He was still a loner, but he liked it that way.  He had thought a lot about Angelica lately.  He also wondered if the day would ever come, that he could forgive himself, so he could go on to be the Person he was before that fateful day eleven years ago.

The next morning when Jonathan awoke, the sun was shining brightly in his window.  He jumped out of bed and rushed to his desk to retrieve some paper and a pen.  Today I will write about Angelica, he thought.   He was quiet for several minutes as he collected his thoughts, and then decided where to begin.  Jonathan knew that when he was finished writing, that he would know if he could forgive himself. He wanted so much to be able to go on with his life, but doubts haunted him and he didn´t know if he would be able to do so.

He let his mind wander for several minutes, and then the darkness in his mind overtook him. He began to be really troubled because he had exposed himself to his hidden memories. He tried to shake off those feelings, but nothing helped. He was so upset that he even considered committing suicide.

He looked out the window. The beauty of the blue skies and the birds singing outside of his window allowed him to push all of those negative things. Never mind the outcome, he thought, this had to be done once and for all. He picked up the pen and began to write.

“Dearest Angelica,
I know you are in heaven and probably cannot hear me. But I must write this letter to you anyway, if for no other reason, for my peace of mind. You know how I adored you, and how I loved hearing your laughter and that funny little giggle you had.  I miss you so much, my sweet little sister. You were so pretty with your long blonde curls and your twinkling blue eyes. I was your idol and you loved me so much. You loved playing ball with me in the summer, even though you were only 4 years old. Back then I loved summer, but when you left me to go to Heaven, I hated summer days and still do. I would never have done anything to hurt you, my little princess, and you knew that also.

That summer day was extremely hot, but you still wanted to play. I remember so vividly when you left me that day, and I have never forgotten you and I never will. You were anxious to play ball, so I agreed to play you for a while.  You had the ball and were ready to play, until Jimmy Amos yelled at me. If he hadn´t come over to talk to me, maybe you would still be here with me. I told you to stay put for a couple of minutes, so I could see what Jimmy wanted. I never once thought that you would throw the ball into the street, then go running after it.  Mom had told you many times and so had I, to never ever go out into the road alone for any reason.

I was only standing by the fence talking to Jimmy for a couple of minutes, and then I heard you scream and I ran to see what was wrong. I didn´t see you in the yard and I was Frantic. I kept calling your name. Then I finally saw you.  You had run into the street to get the ball. You were standing there watching, instead of running back into the yard.  As the car came closer and closer, it was as though you were frozen in time and couldn´t run for safety. I yelled, and I ran as fast as I could to get  you out of the road.

Suddenly, you heard my voice and you turned to look at me.  Your eyes were full of fear, as you called my name. A split second later, and before I could get to you, my sweet little Angelica had been hit by the car, you have been thrown several feet and landed at the side of the road. I had been too late.  

The noise of screeching tires and a thump, told the story. You lay lifeless in the street. I gently scooped you up in my arms and started to run to the house for help. Then, in a tiny whisper you spoke.  “Jonny, I love you. I can see the angels coming to take me home to live with Jesus, but I will see you again someday in Heaven.’ Tears filled my eyes as I watched as you died in my arms.

I was in the hospital in shock for several days, and I missed your funeral. Mom and Dad both blamed me for your death, because I hadn´t been watching out for you.  Nightmares were a nightly thing for me, and they grew worse as I got older. I would have flashbacks of that fateful day, and the pain and grief ate away at my soul, until I no longer felt human. So many times I wished, that it had been me who had died instead of you.  I love you, my sweet little sister, and I will always keep you in my heart.  I hope that you have forgiven me, for not watching out for you that day.

And maybe one day, I will be able to forgive myself.   

Three Years Later

Two years ago, I met a lovely young woman and my life radically changed. I no longer have flashbacks. I have buried and forgotten all the negative things that kept my mind cluttered with un-forgiveness.  Last year, I gave my life to Jesus and my life is full of joy and peace. I also married a wonderful Christian woman, and now my life is complete. I know that angelica is smiling down on me, and one day I will see her again when I walk through the Gates of Heaven.

Tara Hart © 2005
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