A Heart Cries Out

Trying to hold back the tears
Caused by these trials I face,
The fights and arguments that I hear,
And the pain I feel
That never seems to go away.
I dream and wish that someone really cared.
I remain quiet and put on a happy face
So I do not become a bother to anyone.
Wondering what it's like to be held just once
The tears yearn to fall.
The trials get too difficult
I think it's time to just give up.
Listening to these fights and arguments
I think about running away
But don't knowing things would only be worse.
And the pain-
The pain that feels like someone
Has just reached in and tore my heart
Away from my body, leaving me to die.
This feeling makes me want to reach for that knife.
I cant deal with all of this on my own.
I need help- I need someone who cares.
In my mind I see myself
Pick up the knife and put it to my wrist.
The blood- I see the blood pour from my wrist.
A chill runs through my body
And I scream at the sight.
The tears now pouring from my eyes
As I can no longer hold them back.
I fall to my knees, crying-
"O Lord, Help me! I am scared and all alone.
I don't know what to do, I am not ready to die.
Please help me!"
With my tears still falling
I cry out for help the only way I know how.
Knowing there's only One who really cares about me.
I don't want to be scared anymore.
All I want is someone who truly loves me
To hold me, just once.
That would be enough.
To tell me that everything will be okay.
But who would do that for me?
Who could care about me and love me so much?
As my tears slowly start to dry
I look up and say
:Father- thank you so much for taking away
This pain, this fear, this feeling I am feeling.
And most of all- thank you, Lord Jesus,
For loving me."

Dawna Simpson © 2000

DEEP INSIDE

Bottled up deep inside
Are the words I've never said
The feelings that I hide,
My scars, my fears
The things I've never shared.
You can see it in my eyes
Read it on my face
Trapped inside is the pain I feel
Of the past I can't seem to replace.
With memories that linger
Never seem to go away.
Today's a day that the Lord hath made.
Yesterdays are over
Though the hurting's not.
Nothing lasts forever
I must cherish what I've got.
I can't take it for granted
For soon it will be gone.
All I wanted
The things I thought I won.
The hurt I'm feeling now
Won't disappear over night
But someway, someday
Everything will turn out all right.

Dawna Simpson © 1999

STARTING A NEW PATH

"But I love you," He said,
With His voice quivering and unstable.
"Why won't you accept My love for you?"
He was waiting to forgive me
But I was too afraid to ask.
I couldn't recognize Him anymore.
The One who once provided me
With a sense of comfort and security.
The warmth of His presence that use to
Assure me of a love that would last forever
Was being replaced with a colder gray.
I shivered and looked away.

Tears clouded my eyes
As I fell to my knees in prayer.
His presence surrounded me.
My mind wondered back to happier times
When I was never hurt
And never touched.
I knelt there in silence,
While my heart was pounding.

I wanted to get up
But my heart told me to stay.
Unable to look away…
It was that particular day
That I decided to surrender
My heart to the Son's unconditional love.

As I knelt there on my knees,
Overwhelmed by the certainty
Of His love for me,
I struggled for the
Right words to say.

I wanted to scream
And let the whole world know
That my heart had began to heal.
That I had found what
Was missing from my life.
I found the love of Jesus
And I knew that it was true.
Nothing could take away this feeling
But no sounds came out of my mouth.

As I fidgeted with the pillow
I was holding,
He gently placed His hand
On my shoulder.
And I felt Him looking
Directly into my eyes.
This feeling soothed my nerves.
"I love you, My Child"
He said in a soft voice.

A small smile formed on my face
As my heart began to beat
Quickly and loudly.
He had known that night
As I had…
That I felt the power
Of the realization of His love.
The love He wanted me to feel.

But it felt like His love was fading
As memories of the past came back.
"Doesn't it mean anything
That I love you?" He gently said.
I'm so sorry Dear Jesus.
His hand reached for my face
To brush the hair out of my eyes.
I moved to avoid His touch.

It has become too painful.
I'm afraid to face the Holy One.
I had knelt in silence
Unable to move or speak.
I now knelt in silence and tears.
Not because I don't know what to say
But because I'm afraid
That my voice will deceive me
And begin to quiver.

As I start to speak,
I look into His eyes
And stop myself
Wondering if I'm making a mistake.
I imagine His arms around me
Hugging me tightly
Making everything okay.
Like He had done so in the past
When I was in need of His comfort.

Now, more than ever,
I ache for the comfort of His arms
And for the reassurance of His love.
It doesn't seem possible
For the trust is gone
And I have been scarred.
His touch is no longer warm.
And His arms seem to no longer
Provide any comfort.

Now I struggle to find words
That I know must come
Out of my mouth.
Not like before
When I knew the words
Would lead me the wrong way
On the path I had began to follow.
I now struggle to find words
That will end that path.

It's not that I don't love Him anymore.
It's just that I know my heart
Is wounded and hurt.
I'm not sure I can feel again
Like I once did.

When He began to remove
His hand from my shoulder,
The pain in my heart
Felt too strong to endure.
I know I need to do the right thing
But I am afraid.
I know that with Him I am strong
Although at this moment
I feel anything but strong.

I stayed there frozen for a long time
Thinking what I should do.
The only movement in the room
Is the tears that run down my cheeks
And soak the pillow I tightly hold.
I wonder how I can possibly go on
When it feels like half of me is missing.

Jesus, I want Your Love.
I need Your presence to surround me.
I need You to touch my life
And heal my wounded heart.
And so I wait.
I wait for time to heal the pain
And raise me to my feet once again.
So that I can start a new path,
My own path with my Father above
That will make me whole again.

Dawna Simpson © 1999