Carolyn Adkins
I am 61 years old and was a Special Education teacher (for the past 15 years) until this last June (2000). l taught emotionally disturbed children (mostly) because I tended to have a gift for it. I also taught reading to dyslexic children as God also gifted me in that area. He gave me a few very sweet mentally retarded children (as my reward, I am convinced). I went into special education because I had an Attention Deficit Disorder son (hyperactive also) who was diagnosed as dyslexic when he was very young--thus my specialty. Before that I had taught 1st, 2nd, and 3rd graders for nine years. After my son was born it was necessary for me to stay home with him as there was just no other solution at the time. I can tell you more about that later. After he had graduated high school, I went back to college, got my Masters of Education degree in Special Education. I have been a Christian since I was very young and was very "devoted" when I was younger. I went to a parochial college for my B.A. (Baptist) and quite frankly, got off the track there. I became very disillusioned (for all the wrong reasons and which aren't important to this discourse). Then I met my husband the last year I was in school and fell in love with his church. I don't remember ever walking into our church that the pastor hasn't stressed how much God loves us. For the next 30 years (or so), I was "somewhat" faithful. To explain that, I attended most of the time and we raised our children in the church, but still looking back on it, I think we followed the "form" not the "spirit" if you know what I mean. There were times when I felt VERY close to God during those years and I prayed desperately when in trouble (which was a lot with my child). However, I neglected Bible study, did not teach my children "devotions" and we were very correct...so much so that when I recently had my life altering experience my son goes around telling everyone that "My mom got religion" which just "flumoxes" me as I have ALWAYS had religion...oh, well...that is my fault. I KNOW that I was a Christian during those years as I have examined my life (lately) and remember experiences. For example, I remember at a Prayer Retreat that I was on in my early 30's, I remember telling the other women that I would rather die than lose Christ...they looked at me like I was crazy, but I think I had a "premonition" (though I NEVER lost him...I know that now....I just thought I had). After our children were in college, and I had finished my masters and had started teaching, we moved to our present location . We hunted for a church and though we weren't really happy with any that we found, we did settle on a "mission" church in the area. The way our church is set up (Lutheran--Mo.Synod), we could not move OUR membership without moving the children too (even though they were in college and not here). Both kids had a fit at leaving our church, so we sort of dropped the ball. We went a few times now and then, but slowly drifted away from church. We were SO busy and so tired. Since we also weren't reading the Bible I was getting NO spiritual food at all. During that 10 years or so I committed a couple of sins which just "buried" me in guilt. I was convinced that God could never forgive me (at least without me doing something that I did not feel I could do.....which I cannot even go into now, it's so painful). Anyway, Satan was whispering in my ear that God couldn't forgive me because if we sin after we are Christians, knowingly, then we would be crucifying Him twice (he was twisting scripture). I became VERY depressed about 5 years ago--even considered suicide. My daughter got me to a psychiatrist who put me on antidepressants, which I took for a year. Stupid me. I never realized that my depression was directly related to my being separated from my God. After I went off the antidepressants (which I felt were REALLY just "blanking" me out, I was "urged" in my inner being to find a church. I even prayed, "God, please lead us to a church". Even though I was going through all of this emotionally, God was continuing to guide me with my children at school. I became an EXCELLENT teacher--not through my own efforts, but by the Grace of God. They were assigning me children that no one else could handle and somehow I was getting through to them (or God, through me). However, I seemed to be stalemated spiritually and going no where. In April, 2000, I caught a cold, from which I did not recover. It developed into bronchitis and I went to the doctor in late April for antibiotics. Two days after he put me on antibiotics, I started coughing up blood and an Xray showed a lung mass. To make a long story short, it was lung cancer. I was devastated emotionally and knew I HAD to try to get right with God. I COULDN'T find a church. If I called and left a message, no message was returned (YOU figure that!). Finally, I called up our old church (on the south side of town) and asked if I could come back...what I would have to do. They said I only had to return, nothing else. When Chuck and I walked into that church that Sunday, Tara, I was shaking all over, like I had palsy and was having a hard time keeping the tears from flowing. The MOMENT I sat down and the service started, I had a CLOUD OF LOVE AND PEACE overflow me and (it seemed) all around me. I heard a voice that said, "It's going to be alright". Suddenly, such peace overflowed me that my shaking stopped, but it was weeks before my tears (of gratitude) stopped. AT the time I took the message to mean that I would die, but I would go to heaven, that I was forgiven. Believe me, I was DANCING ON AIR. When people would say something to me I would just laugh and say "I'm going to be alright", meaning I was going to heaven. Of course, they couldn't know what I meant so they thought I was absolutely in denial (or when I explained they just thought I was crazy ) . I wasn't in denial. I was SURE I was going to die (after all, lung cancer only has a 15% overall recovery rate). Then our school nurse talked to me (I think to "straighten" me out) and I told her that ... I was going to be alright because I was going to heaven. She looked sort of puzzled and said, but, Carolyn, if you could live another couple of years, wouldn't you want to be with your family awhile. GOD SENT HER, TOO. Because, at that point, I was SO disappointed, to even THINK that I might not be with my God soon that it was kind of hard to look at that side. I didn't want to. This happened about a week after my incident in Church. For the next week, I fought that one. Finally, the acceptance came, sort of. What finished it was was when the biopsy was done about a week after that and came back positively cancer (which the doctor and I had already accepted, but my husband hadn't), HE fell apart. He didn't do anything but cry for 3 days, couldn't go to work, etc., etc. I then told God (in tearful prayer) that whatever He decided was ok with me. By this time I WAS beginning to get some desire to stay on earth awhile. I told Him whatever He wanted...whether it was immediate death of the body, a few months, or twenty years...I was willing. I did not know at that time that I was praying the "prayer of reliquishment", but I did completely relinquish my health to Him. On June 12, I had surgery, which had the possibility of two lobes, part of my heart sac and anything else they had to take. There was a high risk and the possibility that they could not get me off the ventilator after surgery, because my lung function was only borderline before the surgery. At that time I had people, literally, all over the U.S. praying for me and even one group in England. I could not pray myself, because I was still so "double minded", though I did still determine (since I was double-miinded) that His will be done. The surgery only had to take one lobe and though the cancer was VERY large (6 cm.) there was NO lymph node involvement nor any cancer anywhere else in my body. (They did scans and MRI's of everything). My surgeon was practically dancing on air. The thing that I most remember in coming out of the surgery was how everyone kept telling me that I "glowed". Even a nurse stopped by my bed (after standing and staring at me for several hours at different times--this was when I was in recovery) and telling me she just had to tell me that I "glowed"--she appeared puzzled. I finally told her (and my family) that it was the Spirit sustaining me, but my family just "brushed me off". The nurse didn't; she looked like she had suddenly 'understood' and we talked about it for a few minutes. I never saw that "glow" that they all talked about (I wish I had), but I am so glad that God saw fit to have people tell me...it sort of confirmed in tangible form what I knew (a sign to me if no one else). The "glow" evidently went away in about 36 hours because after that no one else mentioned it. I did not have to take chemotherapy and at this time (June 2001) I am still free of cancer. Personally, I have STILL left it up to God. If this is merely a 'reprieve' from death temporarily for the sake of my family and because He still has things for me to do, that's ok. If I live another 20 years that's ok too. I REALLY DO NOT CARE!! EXCEPT I WILL NOT BE SEPARATED from my God again for any reason. My love for Him knows no bounds and it's so very awesome to know that my love for Him is just a drop in the bucket of what His love for ME is. Sincerely, Carolyn Adkins **God doesn't want shares of your life...He wants a controlling interest.** |
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